As an example, walking to the car in the morning on the way to school (ie. daycare). Most mornings, Hope is very well-behaved. She loves going to school, she actually signs school with a smile every morning to ask us if she is going to school that day. When we are walking to the car, she will generally go straight to the car ready to climb in. However, there are some mornings that she looks up with her cheeky grin and keeps walking down the driveway. It’s not a huge driveway, but there’s a little room between the car and the gate and then another few metres before the road, so rather than running after her right away, I call out to her to stop while walking from a distance behind her, just in case I need to stop her. At the moment, it’s not often she stops and most of the time, she gets faster. So I will ask her to stop a few times, getting more and more stern each time. if she gets too close to the gate, I will go up to her and stop her myself and she knows she’s in trouble.

So why don’t I just go and get her straight away knowing that she is unlikely to actually stop? Because I need to give her the opportunity to learn. i need to give her a moment to process, listen and respond. It can be a valuable learning opportunity. If I don’t give her the opportunity to do the right thing, I’m not going to know whether she has learnt what is right. When she doesn’t do the right thing, she knows she will get in trouble, but what will happen when she follows the directions? She needs to be given the opportunity to do so, to find out what happens next.

Pausing and allowing a child to respond can help to build their listening skills, independence and confidence which is something that all children need. It allows them to practice processing directions, even if it does take them a little longer to respond (and sometimes it takes a very long time). They learn that they are capable of making the right choices, which can empower them as they grow. Pausing before jumping in allows them the space to understand what you have asked and choose how to respond which helps to build their independence and decision-making skills.

It can be difficult as a parent to resist the urge to jump in. It often feels easier and faster to just go in and do everything ourselves, especially when their safety is involved. It’s also difficult when we know we’re on a tight schedule. This is also often the case for me. Before and after school time is extremely busy. It feels like there’s so much to do and not much time to get it all done, so jumping in will often feel like the easier option, but in doing so, I’m not actually helping my kids learn.

Someone actually spoke to me recently about liking the way I give Alexander space. It goes along with giving the kids opportunities to learn. in this instance, we were waiting at the school gate for Lincoln to finish school. While we wait for the school gates to open, Alexander will wander through the people, he looks for fun leaves and sticks on the ground, and sometimes, he isn’t standing right beside me, but he is always within my eyesight. When we go into school, he knows to come straight back to me and then off he goes to where we usually stand and he looks for Lincoln. Over the space of about 10 minutes, I’ve given Alexander freedom to explore. He understands that he needs to stay close, he has learnt what he can and cannot do. Giving him that small amount of freedom is helping him grow. It’s showing him that I trust him and believe that he can make the right decisions. In feeling that trust, it actually strengthens our relationship. The more I give him these opportunities, the more I can learn to trust that he will do the right thing.

There’s still a long way to go with Hope learning and there are definitely times that it’s not safe to give Hope the opportunity to make the right decision and we need to jump in but where it’s possible, I need to show her belief and trust so she can learn to believe and trust in herself.