You know when you hear people say life is a roller coaster. I don’t know that I really understood the full meaning of that until I became a parent. It really has been a roller coaster, and I’ll be honest, it’s not always fun. Sometimes it’s scary. Sometimes it goes so fast you don’t have time to take anything in. Sometimes it’s got so many twists and turns you don’t know what’s up from down. And sometimes, it’s just steady, like when the roller coaster is coming into the station or loading platform, and you have time to catch your breath… before it takes off on its run again, speeding away,  twisting and turning.

But often, as a parent, it feels like you have to hide it. You can’t let others know that you’re twisting and turning. You can’t show others that life is speeding past so fast that you can’t keep up. So you put on a mask. You show the world that you have it all together and you know what you’re doing. Maybe you have a few bumps in the road, but you’re in control. The problem with the mask is that the more convincing it becomes to everyone else, the harder it is to admit to yourself that you’re struggling. Because people see the smile, they see the lunches packed, the kids dressed, the jobs done. They see you getting things done and getting people where they need to be. They don’t see the tears in the shower, the racing thoughts at night, or the constant feeling that you’re one small thing away from falling apart.

Being completely honest and vulnerable… it’s hard to admit but it’s where I am right now. But I know I’m not the only one. I know there are others out there who are also going through this stage of life. I also know that it really is just a season and seasons come and go. It’s not the first time I haven’t felt fully in control of my life, and it won’t be the last. But pushing through taking it one day at a time, I get through it, and we keep on going preparing ourselves for the next crazy turn to come along.

So… I wrote about it because it’s what I do and it stops me from holding it all in. This is “Behind The Mask”

She wears a smile, so soft, so bright.
A smile that says, “I’m doing alright.”
She laughs along, she plays her part,
But underneath, she’s falling apart.

She seems untouched by stress or fear,
Yet silent battles pull her near.
The mask she wears is full of grace,
But underneath, there’s a tired face.

Beneath the mask, the screaming grows,
Life feels heavy, but no one knows.
Her mind is racing, it won’t slow down,
And if she stops, she feels she’ll drown.

There’s always someone who needs something,
So she quietly stops feeling anything.
With no room to think, or breathe or feel,
Behind the mask, she forgets what’s real.

But inside she knows it’s just a season,
And every season comes with reason.
So she takes it slowly, day by day,
Step by step, she finds her way.

She finds the strength to carry on,
Even when hope feels almost gone,
And bit by bit she starts to see,
This is no longer who she has to be.

She no longer needs to play a part,
Or hide the ache inside her heart.
The mask she wore begins to fade,
and slowly, lighter steps are made.

And finally she begins to see,
She doesn’t need to hide to be.
The mask is gone, it falls away,
And she meets herself again today.

And if your heart has felt this too,
There’s nothing wrong with what you do.
You’re not alone in what you hide,
You don’t have to keep it all inside.