Have you ever tried to drive a car with an empty tank? It doesn’t go anywhere. Trust me, I know because I was once stuck in a car on the side of the road for an hour or two because it had run out of petrol and we had to wait for someone to come and bring us more. One minute the car was driving fine, the next it wasn’t running smoothly and then it just didn’t move at all. It stopped running and would not restart. Cars don’t run on an empty tank… neither do we as parents!

I was driving home the other day and I looked at my petrol tank which was near empty. When I pulled into the petrol station I asked myself, ‘Do I just put in $30 to get me through the next few days or do I fill the tank?”. That’s a normal thing to do. I’m sure we all ask that question from time to time, especially with petrol so expensive these days. But it got me thinking about parenting and life in general. Now, I know we initially started this blog to talk about Hope and Down syndrome but sometimes, when I start thinking about writing and what’s going on in my life, it’s not always 100% related to Down syndrome. It is still a lesson that I’ve learnt and something I want to share and this is one of those blogs. The vulnerable, honest blog that hopefully helps someone out there, with or without a child with Down syndrome.

So back to the story, as I got back into my car, with my full tank of petrol, I then asked myself another question, “How full is your tank?”. This time I wasn’t talking about the car at all, but my own tank. The one the keeps me going every day. The truth is, I feel like I’ve been running on empty for a while. What happens when we run on empty? We know a car starts to run less smoothly and eventually breaks down. I think we are the same. Running on empty means that I’m not running at the fullness of my potential. I’m not running smoothly. My patience is lower, it’s hard to motivate myself, my kids get less attention and it’s more difficult to find joy in every day. If I run on an empty tank for too long, eventually I’m going to break down. Breaking down may look different for different people, but for me, in the past, it meant a few days of tears. I’ll pull myself together enough when others are around, but once I’m alone again, they’re back.

Before I get to that breakdown moment, I need to refill my tank and the question of ‘how full’ comes to mind. Do I fill my tank just a little, or do I completely fill it? Filling it just a little may be quicker, and I can get back to being more like my normal self again, but how long will it last? Filling it a little will help me get through the next few days but, if I want to be the best mum to my kids and ensure Hope, Alexander and Lincoln are all getting the attention they need, then I need to fill it completely! If I want to feel capable of doing more, I need to fill my tank. If I want it to last, I need to fill my tank. My tank isn’t going to be full all the time, I don’t think anybody’s ever is, but taking the time to fill it when it’s low is going to be better for everyone than running on a low tank all the time because I’m not giving myself time to fill it.

There’s probably a couple of questions that I need to answer. “How did I realise I was running on empty, what caused me to feel like it and how long has it been like that?” If I’m honest, it’s been a few weeks but didn’t occur to me how much it was affecting me until Ben said something to me the other day about me not being happy. The past few months have been quite hectic, on top of our usual busy life we’ve had floods and lots of sickness between us which has meant the kids have been home more, the house has needed more attention and sometimes it’s felt like I was doing the same thing over and over again and getting nowhere. I have recently found that small things are bothering me more than they usually would like something not being put away correctly, kids taking too long to get dressed, or something not going quite as planned. I find my frustration will go from level 0 to level 10 in a matter of seconds, rather than minutes. I find myself just feeling tired and exhausted almost all the time. I would also give up sooner when something wasn’t working which is very unlike me. While I have been spending time with my kids, I don’t feel like I’ve been 100% there emotionally. All these things tell me that I need to take a break and refuel. Have my kids noticed it? I don’t know, and I hope not. I hope they see that happy, full of life mum that loves them because she’s there, she’s just tired and needs a break, and that’s ok.

I think that’s another thing I have learnt. It’s ok to take a break. Ever since I became a parent, I’ve always had people offer to help look after the kids to give us a break but a part of me has always felt bad asking someone else to look after them. They’re my kids, I should be able to look after them myself right? Well, letting someone watch them for a few hours, is not neglecting them. It’s giving myself time to refuel so I can keep being the best mum I can be. This leads me to my final question. “How do I refuel?” I take a break and if I want to fill it completely, I need to take more than a 5 min break. I work almost full time hours. When I’m not working, I’m looking after kids. When I’m not looking after kids, I’m working. And well, looking after kids is kinda like working at times so really… I’m working ALL the time. I get a couple of hours to myself in the evening before I go to bed and then start all over again the next day. From time to time… I need more. So for me, refuelling is going to mean taking some time off work so I have time to myself while the kids are at school to refresh my mind and to relax and unwind. I could give myself a day which would give me quite a few hours to myself, but because I really want to fill my tank completely, I’ll take a whole week off. With the kids in daycare 3 days of the week, it’ll mean I’ve got 3 days of refilling. 3 days of listening to my music, watching my movies, reading my books (actually, who am I kidding, I don’t read), resting when I need to, doing things for me. It sounds selfish and maybe it is. It’s just about doing things for me, because as a parent, we often neglect our own needs. But in the end, by having a few selfish days where I do things for me, I end up helping the kids because I have refuelled myself and have more energy to keep going for them.

I think it’s so easy for us as parents to think that exhaustion is just part of being a parent and to think that we just have to keep pushing through it, but we don’t. Looking after our kids is important but we need to remember that looking after ourselves is just as important. And if that means taking some time out or letting someone else watch our kids from time to time, then that’s ok. Don’t keep running on empty because you feel like that’s what you have to do!