“Is it my fault?” It’s probably a question we’ve all asked ourselves at one point in our lives. It seems quite silly now, but during my pregnancy, after getting Hope’s diagnosis, this is a question I asked myself. I felt like I needed to address this question, this idea that someone is to blame before continuing on the writing of her journey so far.

The idea for this blog actually came as I remembered back to a conversation I had with a geneticist while visiting Hope in the NICU one day. She had come to talk to me about what causes Down syndrome, and also the chance of having further kids with Down syndrome. She had come to reassure me that Hope having Down syndrome was no one’s fault but until that point, I hadn’t realised how much I had actually blamed myself and wondered if there was something I could have done differently.

With my pregnancy with Hope, I actually had 2 reasons to be asking myself this question. The first, was in regards to the placenta complication. I often wondered whether I could have done something differently, eaten different foods, been healthier, rested more, perhaps exercised more, spent more time in fresh air? It turns out, none of that really would have made a difference. There’s no explanation as to why the placenta flow was not as strong as it should have been, but it didnt stop me questioning it.

The second reason I asked myself the question, is the one that I want to focus more on. It was to do with her Down syndrome diagnosis. Again, they were similar questions I had. Was there something I could have done differently? Should I have been taking vitamins sooner? Could we have prevented this? Again, it wouldn’t have mattered what I did because the truth is, it was nobody’s fault.

I’m going to try and get a little scientific to explain what causes Down syndrome. Most of us have 23 pairs of chromosomes in our cells. Each pair has 1 chromosome from the mother, and 1 from the father. Down syndrome occurs when the cells don’t divide as they usually would and results in an extra chromosome 21… Okay, let’s be honest. I’m no scientist, if I try to explain this further and make sense, it’ll probably just become more confusing. Here’s a video to explain it much better than I could.

So, what exactly does ‘fault’ mean? In the context of this question, fault is “responsibility for an accident or misfortune”. When I read that definition, it brings a tear to my eye. Did I really consider my daughter to be a misfortune? I may not have realised my thinking was like that at the time, but in asking myself if I was to blame, there was something that I felt was wrong that I needed to blame myself for. When I look at Hope now, I don’t see her as a burden, I don’t see her as as imperfect. I see her as Hope, my gorgeous daughter, who has such a huge personality and makes people smile everywhere she goes.

I don’t know that I have a huge amount more to say but I feel the need to leave a message for any expecting parents who have received a Down syndrome diagnosis….

There are times you will ask yourself, “is this my fault?”. There are times you will wonder what you could have done differently. You will question yourself about your lifestyle, your habits, what you did that could have caused this. You’ll wonder what life will be like with a child with Down syndrome. You’ll wonder how you will manage as a parent. There are so many questions and thoughts that will run through your mind and sometimes you may feel like you are drowning in your thoughts, doubt and guilt. But the truth is… This is not your fault! You can do this and you will be amazing! Your baby will be a gift to you and those around you. They will bring joy and happiness wherever they go. You will learn as you go and they will help you to grow in ways you have never imagined. It’s like learning to ride a bicycle, you hit a few bumps, you fall over a few times, but in the end, you get on your two wheels, you start riding and you dont stop. You’ve got this!